Having never, ever stuck to a New Years Resolution that didn't revolve around eating more crisps – I'm setting out this year to tackle the greatest personal vendetta there is.
New Years Resolutions are set out to make you feel bad. There, I said it.
No more than someone who spends their week telling you that they "can't function" on more than four hours' sleep a night, or the local gym advertising a SoulCycle rip-off in your local ice-cream haunt – the entire concept of competitively 'bettering yourself' against others does a whole lot more harm than good.
Time to flip the switch on the tradition-that-never-was and make 2020 the year you don't dread admitting that you've given it all up by February.
1. Stop telling yourself you need to lose weight
If it's something that is stopping you from being happy or healthy, then talk things through with a medical professional. If it's to fit into your Communion dress, then it's codswallop.
2. Do one good deed a day
Whether it's donating to the DogsTrust or giving a fellow panicked woman in a dressing room a compliment – it all counts.
3. Tell those close to you that you love them more
On the bucket list of every elderly person, ever. It's important – and not hard to see why.
4. Eat the crisps
And stop punishing yourself for doing so. Imagine a world without crisps? Exactly. Eat them.
5. Give yourself a break for living at home/moving back in with your parents
Not everyone has the luxury. And have you heard about the housing crisis in Ireland these days? Much better off staying out of it.
6. Repeat after me: "Life is short."
Buy the boots. Buy the books. Buy the barbarically priced night cream.
7. Value your worth
You are not an imposter. You got to where you are by being brilliant and impressive.
8. Read one really, really good book
Reading isn't for everyone, but it's definitely better for expanding your mind than binge-watching Friends for the 50th time. There's a reason why people always say "yeah the film was good, but the book is so much better".
9. Develop a saving mechanism
It's not impossible, despite what you may think. Putting €20 aside each month will show you that you can actually do something you never thought you could, and will definitely come in handy as a rainy day nest egg.
10. Stop making plans on Monday evenings
Don't be that guy.
11. Turn off your phone when you're with your friends
Life is too short to play Words With Friends while eating.
12. Learn to eat slower
Better for your digestion, gut health and will allow you to avoid food comas and meat sweats like the poised specimen you are.
13. Eat one carrot
Or even substitute a few for meat every so often. Better for your skin, the earth and animals. Sorted.
14. Rediscover noughties bangers
What do Sound of The Underground, In Da Club and I Believe In A Thing Called Love all have in common? 2003, baby.
15. Drink more water
Don't try to hit a target, just get more in. Whether that's one glass or one gallon is up to you.
16. Be kinder
Tell that girl she has loo roll on her shoe. Give the tourist the extra 20c to make bus fare. Stop bitching about bad makeup application. We're all in this together.
17. Learn how to make one really bangin' dinner
And flaunt it across social media so everyone knows it.
18. Send someone – anyone – surprise flowers
There is never anyone in this world who does not need flowers at any given time.
19. Get rid of any pants with holes in them
Don't be this person.
20. Change your alarm tone to something that doesn't make you want to die
Get ready for years to be added to your life.
21. Perfect your snoozing schedule
Some things that help us: Lavender oil, melatonin, turning off screens, bringing your dog into the bed and clean bedsheets.
22. Try to attend at least 25% of your scheduled social timetable
The keyword here is 'realistic'.
23. Stop subtweeting
You're better than that.
24. Keep eating pasta
It's not the enemy.
25. And finally, simply remember to date things '2020' instead of '2019'
The holy grail of resolutions.
Main image by Andreas Dress