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57 Thoughts I Had While Watching GBBO Episode Two

Crunch time!

Preheat those ovens and soften that butter because this week we are headed back to the bunting-draped tent of our dreams for another week. 

With Dan having hung up his apron in last week’s The Great British Bake Off season premiere, last night's show saw the 12 remaining bakers tackling chocolate covered biscuits and fig rolls before attempting a biscuit masterpiece for their showstopper. All this and a ‘big organ’ innuendo to remind us that it’s business as usual on Bake Off. However, one thing was missing in Biscuit Week  – the crucial requirement for most of us in this category: something to dunk.  

If you missed it, now is a good time (really any time is a good time) to pop the kettle on, grab a packet of fig rolls and watch the latest episode but if work or general  life is preventing that from happening - I'm here to help as here are 57 thoughts I had while watching GBBO episode two which is essentially a Great British Bake Off Episode Two recap. 

  1.  Noel's boots are glorious. 
  2. This Beano-esque prank involving a glued-together biscuit Jenga is hilarious...god my sense of humour hasn't grown up. 
  3. Biscuit Jenga is an excellent idea, why have I never heard about this until now?
  4. Ah Michelle, remember she won star baker? 
  5. Noo Dan, I miss Dan - HOW IS JAMIE STILL HERE?
  6. Biscuits, yes - love biscuits.
  7. Michael is lovely. 
  8. I ask again, HOW IS JAMIE STILL HERE?
  9. Biscuit chocolate bars? wait - like penguin bars? Club milks? Purple snack bars? 
  10. “I look like a pre-pubescent American schoolboy” Henry’s tie with a sharp sense of humour. New favourite contestant alert. 

  11. Semolina?! Is Steph mad??
  12. How have all these people got biscuit recipes that have been handed down through their families? No one has ever given me a treasured biscuit recipe.
  13. Ah good to see Michael still has those plasters from last week, please don't cut yourself again this week. 
  14. I don't know what it is about Rosie, but I can't get on board. 
  15. Of course, Jamie is a barman, seriously - HOW IS JAMIE STILL HERE? Justice for Dan.
  16.  I want to be Helena when I grow up. 
  17. A PROFESSIONAL POKER PLAYER? Helena is so cool. 
  18. I could listen to the Welsh accident all day. 
  19. Michelle's biscuit bars look like Mr Blobby. 
  20. I wonder how cringey Noel finds it to say things like "her man of the match is always her son"

  21. HANG ON WHAT? Alice is an officer in the royal navy? WHAT! 
  22. How are all these contestants so young, class at baking and have super niché careers?
  23. Hang on did Jamie just say his shortbread has never worked in practice but it's fine because the chocolate will hold it together? HOW IS JAMIE STILL HERE?
  24. David’s “we all like toasted nuts” is the sort of smut we enjoy on Bake Off.
  25. "Who don’t like…fudge??” Still laughing at Phil asking this. As if halfway through the statement he actually started picturing some faceless anti-fudge person, then got angry with them.
  26. Priya’s ruby barfi - this is giving me flashbacks to those pink KitKat bars, it's a hard no from me. 
  27. “That’s as nicely as I can feather,” says Rosie, as she feathers to actual perfection. She's well the kind of person who tells you they didn't study before the exam and gets an A. 
  28. Alice loves a facial expression, doesn't she?
  29. Oh what a shocker, Jamie's biscuits are a disaster. Seriously, HOW IS JAMIE STILL HERE? Was he dared by the "lads" to audition? Did he win a competition? 
  30. Oh, that's so nice that they're all helping each other when they’re in need. If only the world was more like that.

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  31. I wonder when I'm on Bake Off would I be the one helping or the one in need of help? Obviously the later, come on Emma. 
  32. Yes Phil. I ALWAYS laugh when someone says “thank you” chirpily following a withering comment from Paul. 
  33. A “sloughy” wound. What does that mean? Is that a thing I don’t know because I’m old? What does it mean?
  34. I’ve eaten ruby chocolate AND I know what matcha is. Wondering why I’m sat on this side of the screen to be honest.
  35. Is Noel wearing foundation?
  36. The technical is a favourite of Paul Hollywood’s dad. Need to know what PH’s dad looks like.
  37. I wonder what have I missed while discovering that Paul’s dad is called John and founded a bakery chain called Bread Winner.
  38. FIG ROLLS! 
  39. Wait, why am I getting excited? I don't like fig rolls. 
  40. Is Helena's surname Bonham-Carter by any chance?

  41. I hereby predict that Alice is going to win this week. 
  42. A chicken that survived a fox attack being described as ‘a strong independent woman’ is my spirit animal. 
  43. I know they ALWAYS do this. But why do all the contestants have to wear the same clothes on day two? It makes no sense? Do they just buy two sets of the same clothes or do they have someone that washes them? This seems more stressful than the technical tbh. 
  44. No, no, no! Hollywood making a sexual innuendo about a church organ made out of biscuits is going to give me nightmares.
  45. Amelia is making some sort of IKEA flat pack furniture situation, clever. 
  46. Why does Alice keep going on about New Zealand? Have I missed something?
  47. Michael crying: I can’t take this. Oh well done Priya for giving him a nice hug, she has lovely hair. 
  49. David’s sculpture is amazing.

  50. “Quite simple, thick and clumsy.” - sounds like Prue is descibing Jamie not his mess of a guitar.
  51. That was harsh, he does seem like a lovely boy. I take it back. 
  52. Why do the contestants stand so far away when they’re being judged in the showstopper? I don’t think I’d be able to hear anything.
  53. Noel is thrilled about being given that spider...and so am I.
  54. I was correct about Alice, and I am pretty smug.
  55. Thrilled Jamie is finally going home, he's harmless but I've no time for this 'purposely bad at baking' behaviour on bake-off. I want chicken sculptures worthy of being placed in an art gallery, not fumble-y guitars. 
  56. He is doing that thing teenage boys do of pretending not to care, Jamie it's okay to care.
  57. YESSSS BREAD WEEK, sign me up. 

Main image by Channel 4

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